The Sexual Stalemate
Something I see often in couples is what I like to call the “sexual stalemate.” There are so many ways to end up there, but once you’re there it usually looks like this: sex isn’t happening, and neither of you are making a move that leads to sex.
While I imagine you want to get out of that stalemate, take a deep breath of compassion for yourself first! Breaking the stalemate can feel scary. When sex hasn’t happened in a while, the idea of initiating again can feel so incredibly vulnerable. You might be thinking “What if I finally initiate again and I’m turned down? I already feel unwanted!” or “What if sex isn’t like riding a bike and I’m suddenly awkward/can’t “perform”/am not enough for my partner?” Sometimes, it’s been so long that accessing sexual feelings again feels foreign, or your sexual self feels more naturally explored in masturbation.
If you aren’t a current client, I can’t give you specific advice on how to break your specific stalemate. However, there are some core tenants to breaking the sexual stalemate I use to guide this type of work.
Prioritize reconnecting, without the pressure of sex.
Some people need to feel connected before they have sex, while others desire sex in order to feel connected. If you’re in a sexual stalemate, try tending to the emotional connection first. What would help you feel emotionally connected to your partner?
Explore non-demand touch.
If jumping right back into sexual acts feels inaccessible, explore touch in general first WITHOUT the pressure for that to lead to sex or orgasm. Simply explore touching your partner’s body from a place of curiosity and wonder. How amazing can it be to slow down and experience the sensations of touch again together? Many sex therapists guide clients through an exploration called Sensate Focus that helps you find touch and sensuality again without the anxiety or pressure for it to lead to anything more.
Schedule sex.
If your schedules and stressors are the issue, you might thrive with the most straight-forward solution: scheduling! It can feel strange at first to schedule something we’re taught is just supposed to occur “naturally”, but scheduling sex can be key for busy relationships. Think about what it might take to have your surroundings support this in your schedule (like locking the dogs out of the bedroom), and hop to it.
For some folks, this work goes even deeper. That’s where sex therapy can be essential. Sometimes, breaking the sexual stalemate might look like healing deeper resentment and trust issues in the relationship, increasing the quality of sex so it becomes worth craving, or crafting the emotional safety to make initiating feel like a risk worth taking. If any of this is resonating with you, I encourage you to reach out and book an appointment. Sexual stalemates are frustrating, but don’t need to last forever.
