What is your attachment style?

Have you ever been asked what your attachment style is? It wouldn’t be surprising, as attachment theory is having its moment in the sun these days, and for good reason. The theory, whose pioneers include researchers Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby, posits that there are four main ways, or styles of how, we connect to our caregivers when we’re young. Whether your caregivers were able to show you the love and affection you needed can then inform whether you become secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized in your attachment style. We’ll go into each of these four styles below! More importantly, now the research is showing that our relationships with our early caregivers can inform how we attach to those we love as adults, whether that’s in friendship or romantic partnerships. Keep reading to learn about the four main attachment styles, and see which resonates with you!

Secure Attachment

Secure attachment is often the product of a cohesive relationship with a caregiver, and results in confidence and clarity in future relationships. If you are securely attached, the idea of being connected to others likely won’t spark great levels of anxiety or avoidance. You have probably had healthy, loving relationships throughout your life with relatively low levels of drama. Those that are securely attached easily maneuver between their independence and being interdependent with another.

Anxious Attachment

Anxious attachment is characterized by a deep sense of separation anxiety or fear of abandonment. Those that are anxiously attached may struggle to be away from their partner(s), and relationships may contain high levels of anxiety and low levels of avoidance. If you find yourself anxiously attached, you may find it difficult to be single, to do activities without others, or fear that you’re unloved. Sometimes, anxiously attached folks find ease by asking for reassurance from their partner(s) and friends, as well as exploring their self-worth.

Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant attachment is thought to have some connection with distant, or emotionally inattentive, parenting. Someone with an avoidant attachment style may avoid intimacy and struggle to trust others in relationships. This attachment style can be characterized by high or low levels of anxiety, paired with high levels of avoidance. For some, avoidant attachment looks like strongly clinging to independence, keeping their thoughts to themselves even when in a partnership, or avoiding relationships all together. While avoiding the thing that brings them stress, living avoidantly attached can result in loneliness.

Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized attachment is thought to be a mix between anxious and avoidant attachment. Those that are disorganized in their attachment may flip-flop between wanting closeness, and fearing intimacy. Mary Ainsworth’s research thought disorganized attachment to be connected to early childhood trauma or inconsistent parenting behavior. If you have a disorganized attachment style, the idea of becoming close to someone may bring up a lot of inner turmoil for you, as you feel split about what that means for you.

If all of this seems a bit overwhelming, or possibly even discouraging, that is entirely understandable. So many, when learning about their attachment style(s), wish they could turn back the clock and learn to be securely attached years ago. However, the amazing thing about attachment is that it’s fluid (you can attach differently in different relationships!), and can be healed. By seeking out caring, mutual relationships, asking for help when needed, leaning into intimacy while exploring independence, and doing the work to heal attachment trauma, you can move towards feeling more secure everyday.